Someone else before . . .

This Year's Love

2011-01-06T15:38:00.000-08:00

I wear a ring on my finger with the greek word agape on it. I have heard that the word has different meanings depending on which way the word is read from. Before I get into that, my dear friend Jenny has, what I believe to be, a great view on the word agape that I could not have said better myself. The following is a brief view on how she translates it:

"Agape is self-denial for the sake of another. Our English word "agony" comes from agape. When I think of agony, I imagine someone being so passionately absorbed in something that it causes us an emotional or perhaps physical pain. Agony is painful. It hurts. Maybe I'm stretching it...but in knowing this...I can't hear "Agape" and not think that it means to love so much that it hurts. Agape is how God loves us. I don't think Agape is God's love because God himself is love. But I believe that God has agape FOR us. He loves us SO much that it hurts him when we choose people before Him. He loves us so much that it hurts Him to see us hurting as He strips us of pride and the things we believe make us happy."

She continues her ideas on her blog, which I encourage you to look at.

The ring I wear on my finger, I wear so that others may read the word agape when they look at it. I believe this to be way of me denying myself for the sake of others, as Jenny put it. As I do the best I can to love others unconditionally, I unfortunately do not love others as much as I should, or as ones may expect me to with knowing what agape means.

Thomas Jay Oord, an ordained minister in the Church of the Nazarene, defines agape as such, "an intentional response to promote well-being when responding to that which has generated ill-being." He says that it is an intentional response to promote well being. This caught my eye because it means that there is a purpose behind showing love and promoting well-being.

There is a reason the word agape is used to describe God and his love for us. I do not believe there to be one answer for why it is so, but I believe that it may be because we are all of ill-being and in need of love to be well. It is only through God that we become well, through knowing of His unconditional love and sacrifice for all of us, me and you included.

Because I am human, an unconditional love for all that I meet is not possible. I wish it could be so, but I judge people all too often based on physical appearances or behaviors or attitudes, whatever it may be, it hinders me from loving them as I should. I wear the ring on my finger as a reminder to myself, as an expectation of myself to remember God and His love for me, so that I may show the same to all I not only meet, but cross paths with.

On the inside of my ring it says this, "God is love. 1 John 4:16" 1 John 4:16 reads, "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them." I have read the inside of my ring many times before, but I do not think I will ever fully understand what is meant by it until I meet God personally. What I do understand is that I need God in my life, that without him I am unable to love or be loved as I should. I know that God's love is the purest of all love, nothing can compare to it and nothing is intended to be compared to it.

Perhaps the reason I was never able to understand God's love before was because of my human nature to compare one thing to another. I have always tried to compare God's love to something that I could relate to in this world, my father's love for me, my friend's love for me, my family's love for me. Whatever love that I compared to God's, it cannot be on the same spectrum because it is a worldly love.

Because God is not of this world, His love reigns supreme, and I could not be more thankful for that. As I have been learning to love myself as my family loves me, and as God loves me, I am opened up to the idea of unconditional love, of a love that full of passion and hurt. It pains me to realize that I have not loved others in such a manner, as I am sure it pains God all the same. However, because God is forgiving and loves me despite all of the sins I have committed, I have the ability to love others the same as He loves me.

This being my first post of the new year, I feel it is a grand entrance of one. I pray that this year's love that is shown is one of passion, without condition or judgement. That we can be stripped of our pride and self-righteousness and bring to light the love God has bestowed upon us. For we are all His beloved children, forever and always will be. Because of this, we are more than capable of showing the same love and compassion that He has for us to others more and less fortunate than ourselves. May that be my only reason to be on this earth, it is one I can surely live with, to love others as God has always loved me.

Come Home

2010-05-11T13:58:00.000-07:00

I'm slowly learning and realizing that I have a place to call home.

Home..

somewhere I am welcomed always.

somewhere to lay my head.

somewhere to enjoy my time and relax.

somewhere I am loved.

Growing up in broken home where my parents divorced when I was young, I never really knew one home over another. I stayed with my mom mostly, saw my dad twice a month with the exception of holidays, and was in the middle of vocal attacks from one parent to another. Back then I didn't have a clear understanding of home, or what it meant to have one. Now that I'm older and have a better appreciation for things, I have realized that my biological parents, now remarried, get along fine when together, don't bicker over who gets visitation and when, and tell their friends of all the wonderful kids they have. Along with that, they love me unconditionally. Me, of all people, a thief, a liar, a sinner. But still, their son.

During my middle school and high school years I wouldn't have been able to fathom that happening. But now with their kids not living at home, visitations aren't court mandated, and seeing each other is something that doesn't happen too often, there is a different appreciation of things. This is something that I have been learning, slowly, through talks with my sisters, my parents, my friends, and also from reading.

Reading has become something that I do more so now compared to high school (with the exception of having to read for class). With a lot of the books I dive into there are countless comparisons with a father and our father in heaven, God, or as Francis Chan puts it in Crazy love, "dad and DAD." The authors who relate their biological fathers to God have a hard time understanding how much God truly loves them because they were fearful of their father for one reason or another.

Without a doubt there have been plenty of times where I have been fearful of my father, and for good reason, too. With time, though, the love and grace that my father shows me has been shining through the fear that has been planted deep inside of me from when I was young. Because of this I have been able to view God differently. I was always afraid to go to my dad for things, whether it was monetary or it was a simple question of inviting a friend over. I would play scenarios in my head of how things would go if I were to ask my dad what it was that I wanted, usually not ending in the way that I expected. There were times that I would be bold and courageous and ask my dad for something, and to my surprise it wasn't as bad as what I thought it would be. This mindset that I had with my father when I was younger transferred over in a sense to my viewpoint on God.

I don't think anyone will ever realize how great of a love God has for us, but it can be hard to see God's great love if we base it on the love we get from others. However, it can be easier if we truly love others above ourselves and see how others love over themselves.

On mother's day this past weekend, my father kissed the back of my head. I didn't know what to think when that happened. I now understand that he was showing his love and affection for me. After years of living in fear and wondering what the answer to one of my questions would be that I asked of him, I can go to my dad and ask him anything knowing I won't get yelled at for asking something stupid.

When it comes to talking with my dad, he tells me the truth in every situation. He gives me advice on everything, based on his wisdom and knowledge. The truth of every situation may not be what I like to hear, but we can't all be told exactly what we want to hear, because then it wouldn't be the truth. The same is true with God, when we ask Him for things, he may not answer the way we want to, but that doesn't mean that we should not ask the question in the first place.

In order to build relationship, there has to be trust in communication. I failed to trust my father in the things he told me a few years ago. Unfortunately for me I found out the hard way that he was right with the things he said. I now take everything he says to heart and trust in his perception of things. Because I have been able to restore the intimate relationship that I have with my dad, I will hopefully be able to change the way I build my relationship with my father in heaven.

Because I am human I tend to relate one thing with another. In the case of my dad and God, I was trying to compare two things that aren't even close to being on the same level with one another. Don't get me wrong, my dad is great, but that doesn't put him on the same level of God. It has taken me a long while to know the love my dad has for me, to be honest I wouldn't have it any other way. Because of his continued love and care for me, I am able to slowly understand why things happen the way they do and how much God loves me.

I have always had a place to call home, more than one place actually. My dad's is just one of the places for me to call home. The events that have taken place between me and my father aren't life changing miracles, just changes in relationships that brought to my attention the great love he has for me.

I will always know that his home is really my home. Whether I live there or not, the door is always open for me to come whenever I want to. God, like my dad, always has his door open, waiting for me to come home. It didn't take a miracle for me to realize that the door was open, all I did was open my eyes and heart to what my dad had to say. I tried searching far and wide for a home, failing to realize I was home all along.

Return

2010-01-18T19:43:00.000-08:00

I didn't make a resolution to start the new year. To be honest I can't remember the last time I made a new year's resolution, at least one that I stuck with for the whole year. Instead, I went to Mobile, Alabama with fourteen other people through Peace United Church of Christ. I can't begin to describe everything I learned on that trip, about me, about others, about God, about life, about love, about trust, about building a house, all these among many others. I know that I will live my life differently because of that trip, not only because of those few examples, but because of what I learned from one man I briefly talked to while in Mobile. It was through him that God decided to show me compassion, generosity, and love.

To be honest I can't remember the name of the man that we talked to, only that he was from Thailand and was now living in Mobile, Alabama. Everyone that was working at the job site had noticed this man, not only because he was much older than us and because he smoked, but because he was always offering to help us out. No matter what the project or how difficult it may be, if someone needed a hand, he was there. The best thing was that he never complained about the work that was being done. And I suppose if he was going to he could have easily went back to his house seeing as we were simply doing volunteer work.

I say simply when looking back at what we did, it was pretty rough stuff. We worked at the job site for four straight days, only two of them did we actually get there on time and start when we were supposed to (it's hard to get 13 young adults up and running at 7am during winter break). Nonetheless, we worked. We worked on putting plywood (pcb) everywhere on the house and also on an addition to a different house in the same neighborhood. We put in windows, drilled holes in the cement flooring, put pcb on the ceiling of the porches, and put on the Alabama version of gutters (they didn't actually catch water, just let it run off the house). All that work was done in the first two days, the last two mainly consisted of roofing and putting on shingles using only hammers and nails.

Now the man I mentioned earlier didn't help with putting shingles on the roof because he has previous engagements, but he did stop by the last day we were there to check on our progress. He was surprised at how much we had gotten done in the amount of time we had, especially seeing as there were only a select few of us who had really good experience doing carpentry work -- everyone did a great job, don't get me wrong, it sometimes just took a bit longer to get what we were going for to actually happen. The truly amazing thing though, was that he helped out abundantly! I got to work with him on the roof for a little bit with Eric Ogi, and while we were talking to him he pointed out his house to us. He told us the he was very grateful to have been given a house to live in. So much so, that he helped build, in one way or another, every house that was built after his own.

If that doesn't strike you as amazing, then perhaps we have different views on generosity. But for me, it was quite inspiring to help build a house for someone in need, but to hear that someone who had a house built for them, helped build other houses. His generosity was something that I can't fathom at the moment. Take a second and imagine helping put together 40 houses or more! If I wasn't the son of a carpenter I think I would get pretty sick of doing that much work, especially if it was volunteering. But no, he took it upon himself to help out others in need, giving all that he could and more to get the houses done so people could start living in them.

In 2 Corinthians chapter 8 Paul speaks of generosity. He specifically tells them about the generosity of the churches in Macedonia, saying, in verses three and four, "they gave as much as they were able, and even beyond their ability. Entirely on their own, they urgently pleaded with us for the privilege of sharing in this service." Paul tells the church of Corinth, in verse seven, "just as you excel in everything, in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness and in your love for us -- see that you also excel in this grace of giving."

As a Christian, I seek to give as much as I can, when I can. That might be the kicker there though, when I can. I don't always give, even if I can, and to be blunt I don't really give it a second thought to give if I can't. Why does it have to be that way though? I can always give something, but for some reason I pertain giving to be just money. When I went to Mobile at the beginning of the year I didn't give much money, I paid the cost of the trip and dropped a few dollars at church on Sunday, but that was about it. Instead, the whole week I gave myself to do the work of God as best I could, whether that was through fellowship, my actions, speech, and working on the house. I went on the trip because I could imagine the look on the faces of the people moving into their new home. That these people are finally going to have a home they can call their own.

It excites me to think of that, even now with writing about the trip that happened three months ago. As I said before, that week I gave myself to do the work of God. I didn't think twice about what I was going to be doing, all I knew was that I was going to be working on a house and do what I was asked to do. If only I could return to that same mindset, that same amount of faith that I had at the beginning of the year. That whatever I do I'm not going to weigh the options of what I'm going to get out of it or what I have to give in order to accomplish something. Instead, I'm going to turn my thoughts and faith toward God and return to Him, knowing all the glory will go to Him and no matter what I give now, I will gain so much more in His kingdom. I don't want to be vain in the things that I do, nothing will come of that. Instead, I'm going to give my all so that I can return to Him, and the path He has laid out before me.

Open Wide

2008-05-01T21:29:00.000-07:00

There are so many things that I get caught up in that I put God aside and make it so He is secondary in my life, not the primary focus. Why though? I find it so hard to make time for Him because I have work and school and studying and family and friends and everything else the world throws at me. It's like the only things of importance are the ones that have immediate reactions to the actions we put into them.

What about the long term reactions though? Why don't we think about that at all? If we put God aside, if He isn't the primary concern of our lives, then are we really concerned with where we will be when we die? That seems very brutal when I read it but isn't it the truth? If we would be more concerned about living for God and having eternal life then why wouldn't we put into practice more often what God has told us to?

When I look at the disciples I look at the relationships they had with each other and also with the ones God brought to Christ through them. I look at how, no matter what situation they were in, they praised God and tried their best to not take their eyes off of Him. Why can't I have that sort of relationship with my friends?

I don't think the question is why can I not have that sort of relationship with my friends but why is it that I am not willing to go out and make that relationship happen? Is it because of work, school, family, friends? Or is it because I just don't give God the time of day He is asking for?

All I want is to worship the Lord and not have to worry about other things in life but that seems like an aspiration that is far too impossible with the sort of schedule I have now. Although it seems impossible I know it isn't, I just don't know if I can, by myself, live up to that expectation.

I need someone to help me along the way.
I need someone to catch me when I fall.
I need someone to guide me when I lose my way.
I need someone to sharpen me and challenge me daily.
I need to worship Christ with all of my heart.
I need for God to take control of my life, and live for Him wholeheartedly.

What I really need to do is make the effort and take the time to realize God is standing there, arms wide open, waiting and praying I come back to Him.

...

1 Corinthians 16:14 tells us to do everything in love. We aren't told to pick and choose what we do in love and what we don't do in love, but we are told to do everything in love.

I remember being a kid playing with toys, whether that would be my toys or my sister's toys. As a kid when I wanted to play with something, that meant that even if it was my sister's toy, she wasn't getting that toy back until I was good and ready to give it back. I would get upset if I had to give a toy back to my sister, but really, I should have been glad I got the toy in the first place. If it wasn't for my sister's generosity I wouldn't have been able to play with the toy, I wouldn't have found joy from the time spent with that toy and my vivid imagination.

I look at myself as a child. I look at how I behaved when I had the toy and when I had to give up that toy. I look at myself as a growing adult. I look at the things that I have and want, and what I do in order to get keep possession of those things. I then look at my behavior when I don't get what I want or if for a moment I need to share when i don't want to. It seems so childish, so selfish. It definitely doesn't seem to be full of love.

How hard would it be to do everything in love?

I personally don't think it would be hard to do everything in love, but there is a catch. God shows the perfect love to us and to everyone, unconditional love. I cannot begin to fathom how He can love me after some of the things I have done, yet He still does and always intends to. If we don't experience the love God has shown and given us, how is it that we can spread that love to others and do everything in love?

The only way is to know God and accept Him as your Lord and Savior, only upon accepting Christ into your life and knowing He died on the cross to save you can you do everything in love. You cannot love by yourself because the love would not be complete or true. We need to accept the love of Christ and upon doing so show our love back to God by spreading His good news.

Maybe the best way for us to show our love for God is actually by loving other people no matter how hard it sometimes is. Maybe it's the only way.

Speak To Me Gently

2008-01-25T22:56:00.000-08:00

To go out and be my own man,
To go out and do what I want,
To go out and party,
To go out and not have people worry what I'm doing,
To go out and not care what people think of me,
To go out and be of this world.

So often I dream of these things. Why? I don't quite know.

It has been a part of me growing up,
It has been something I always thought of doing,
It has been with me...even after accepting Christ into my life.

It has begun to emerge from within,
It has begun to take over my life, slowly,
It has begun to change my thoughts and my actions.

I struggle so often with the things of this world, being distracted by anything and everything.

Why do I even think these things when I know they are wrong?
Why can I not go a day without thinking my life would be better had I done things differently.
Why must I feel the need to have the things society tells me?

The World tells me to be someone; the Bible, God, Jesus, tell me otherwise.

How is it that I think the world is right?
How is it that I can question Jesus and tell Him that He is wrong?
How is it that I can rid myself of these lustful, greedy, earthly manners?

I pose a question that I know the answer to, an answer I have known for so long yet refuse to grab and take hold of, fearing what kind of path I may be taken on.

I know that I am saved.
I know I am loved.
I know Christ is in me...

Yet for some reason I need to be reminded far too often of these things. Here is the catch though, you would think that I would be able to accept God's Love more willingly than people of this world...I wish I could think that way as well.

I think that I give so often, taking my time to show others I care for them.
I think that I do what God would want me to do, glorifying Him always (trying to at least).
I think that people will see God work through me and warm up to His grace and love.

But...

I need attention, although I will not tell you this.
I want to be loved, yet care not if you dislike me for it is not I who judges you.
I want to be with you, but I do not know who you are, or I have not been informed of it.
I need to belong, however big or small a group of people I belong to does not matter.
I need to tell you everything, but rather than express this I hide in fear of being looked down on.
I become jealous easily, wondering why, maybe even how, people can show love for others more, thinking, "If only I had that."
I feel like another face in the crowd, but I do not make this evident.
I become attached, hoping someone will break me down and find out the true me.

I am fragile
I am rusted and weathered
I am not permanent
I am only one person...lost in a sea of faces

Jumping Rooftops

2008-01-12T20:15:00.000-08:00

Romans 1:13-15
"I do not want you to be unaware, brothers, that I planned many times to come to you (but have been prevented from doing so until now) in order that I might have a harvest among you, just as I have had among the other Gentiles.
I am obligated both to Greeks and non-Greeks, both to the wise and the foolish. That is why I am so eager to preach the gospel also to you who are at Rome."

Romans 8:11-13
"And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.
Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live"

In the book of Romans, Paul goes into great detail about living a life for Christ and that our life is not ours at all, but it is actually to be given up to Christ. He speaks greatly of being righteous, that righteousness is needed to know the Lord, that we will be provided with righteousness, and how we can practice being righteous with spiritual acts of worship.

While reading the two passages from above, I noticed that they both have a form of the word obligate in them. The Greek word for obligate is Esmen, and it is the first person plural of "to be."

Now Paul writes that he is obligated not only to Greeks, but to non-Greeks, the wise, and the foolish. To me he portrays more than anything Christ's command to go out and disciple to all nations, that he is not only going to people that he may feel comfortable around or that he may know, but to all that the Lord directs him to. He makes himself known to all around him and he is to be one with them, he is "to be" a Greek, a non-Greek, wise, and foolish.

Paul also writes that we have an obligation, that we are obligated to live according to how the Lord desires us to live. We are not to be obligated to sinful nature, for that will surely bring about death and despair. But if we are obligated to living by the Spirit...if by the Spirit we put to death the misdeeds of the body, we will live.

I had to ask myself while reading this, what does it mean to be perfectly obligated to the Lord? What does it mean to be committed wholly to our Lord and Savior?

I personally do not know because although I have been saved, I have not demonstrated living out a life completely for the Lord. I'm not even sure if it is possible in this world, but I would like to do more than what I have already done.

I feel so guilty at times...
thinking that I can keep secrets from the Lord
thinking that He won't know what I did that one night
thinking, "Oh, He will forgive me for this so why not do it anyways?"
thinking, "Why can't I just devote more time to Him...after all He has done for me?"

I always get distracted
I always find "better" things to do
I always make excuses to do something else.
I always fall back to the ways of the world.

I never seem to get things right, and when I do, something, someone, everything...seems to hold me back from being loved fully.
I never seem to be able to illustrate my words and put them into action.
I never seem to be able to read the storyline from left to right -- I always look for the climax or the resolution.
I never realize that in order to get to that climax, to find that resolution, I have to confront my problem.

The problem is that I feel ashamed of what I do, of who I am, of what I might become. I know my background, I know the settings and the characters involved...but do they know me?

Have I taken that step to allow them to read my book, to look into my life as they have so willingly let me go through theirs?
Have I given every detail, not leaving out any truth?
Have I decided that I am ready?

What makes me so sure that people will be willing to read my story?
What makes me so sure that God will be there, helping me write my story?
What makes me so sure that people will care for me and not throw my story in the trash?

I am certain that things need to be changed.
I am certain that I don't know where I'm going to be in 10 years.
I am certain that things will only get better...if I let God take control.
I am certain that I will be loved, if only I open my heart to it.

I am certain that if I stop jumping from rooftop to rooftop...if I stop saying I am one person and then become another, I will find the Lord, waiting for me on the very rooftop I started.

He will be there, reading my book, and then with outstretched arms, invite me into his loving arms.

He will be there...waiting for me...and I will be there...jumping to His rooftop.

It's Beginning To Get To Me

2008-01-01T18:40:00.000-08:00

For some reason I never felt the urge to completely pursue the Lord. I always seemed to miss out on everything that happened between God and my closest friends. I never really expected the Lord to move in me, I always just assumed that the Lord would do things through me because I had been saved by Christ.

Maybe I wasn't Christian enough, or maybe I hadn't done enough work for the Lord to choose me to do His bidding.

Since I didn't feel like God would use me, I decided to play the Christian "game," to pretend to be someone I wasn't, too bad I didn't know it at the time. I had thought I was spiritually awake to what the Lord was calling me to do, but in retrospect, I was just ignorant to the fact that other Christians were doing more than me. I now wonder why I would have ever wanted to pretend to be Christian.

I was the hypocrite I spoke against and swore not to be.
I had the facade I tried to unmask.
I was the fool I sought to save.
I was the person who needed Christ so much more than I knew.

I continually blamed the Lord for not using me, like Isaiah 51:9 says, "Awake, awake, arm of the Lord, clothe yourself with strength! Awake, as in days gone by, as in generations of old..." I blamed the Lord, when obviously it was I who needed to be awakened. However, I screamed out against the Lord, filled with anger because I was not being used...but outside my Christian friends, at home, I really couldn't care less. I always went back to the sinful habits I once knew and once claimed to rid myself of.

I was so ignorant and selfish that I became oblivious to what was going on in my own life. I had thought that because I was reaching out to people and going on retreats and getaways with our Youth Ministry that I was doing good. I thought I was doing good...people were being changed because of me -- people acknowledged me...it was glorious...

If only that glory was for the Lord...instead, I was filled with pride thinking everyone liked me.

I never really came to the Lord, I knew of the Lord, but I never really knew the Lord. I had no personal connection with Him.

I came to acknowledge Christ as my savior before coming to Madison, but I, once again, fell into having eyes focused only on me. I found it impossible to have eyes for the Lord and others when I had my eyes fixed on myself and no one else. Now don't get me wrong, I love to help others and I care for them dearly, but I had eyes on myself in the sense that I didn't give any glory to God, I was boastful and filled with pride, going against God's word, I was evil according to James 4:16, "As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil."

I wrote a letter to God at the start of my shift in the Lord, my experience, my transformation of treasuring the most high. To say the least, He read my letter, answered all my questions, and lead me to His treasure.

Lord God,
I seem to have lost all connection with you. I have played this game of Christianity for so long that I don't think people would believe me if I told them what I really am. I am lost, searching, longing desperately to truly find that answer that I know only You can give me. I am hoping that You will show me, only when You find ready, what I am to do with my life.
For so long I have known who You are and how to live life, I just never put that into effect. I never whole-heartedly sought a personal, intimate relationship with You. And if I have, I never carried it out.
I have died inside, only to be brought up by the world, not Your Kingdom. For so long I sought that temporary fix, putting all my hopes and dreams in shallow and ungodly relationships. Why couldn't I see Your light sooner? Why couldn't I know that things were going to fall apart and I wasn't going to be happy? I hope to know who I can put my trust in, I hope to be faithful to you. I long to seek first Your Kingdom of righteousness, to die in body and mind of the ways of old, only to be lifted up on wings like eagles.
To soar above and beyond all expectations.
To run a race to win the prize...Your prize.
To walk in Your footsteps.
To be carried by Your grace, now and forever.

...

I found a treasure, hidden in a field. When I found it, I hid it again, and in my joy I went and sold all I had and bought that field (Matthew 13:44) -- "The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field." I found the treasure the Lord so desired me to find, I gave my whole self for Him, longing to value this treasure, not to keep it to myself, but listen to God when He tells me to give it away.

I will abide in the Lord.
I will be compelled to love, be passionate always.
I will love abundantly.
I will love man and woman as the Lord so loved the church.

The Adventure

2007-12-22T22:54:00.000-08:00

I do this from time to time, where I can never wake from a bad dream. From time to time, I can never say the things I mean. I dream of the day I hold on to you so dear. Too often this dream is unattainable. But then these dreams become reality, only for a moment. Too often that moment means more to me than the life I once chose to lead.

I want to have the same last dream again, the one where I wake up and I'm alive. Not this dream of the inevitable destruction of my hopes and fears; the once claimed hope of all I desire, turned to the eruption of my hope, flying about, to be blown away like a feather in the wind. Whatever it takes to rid myself of this pain, please let it not be an adventure I cannot endure, a dream turned nightmare.

I will do whatever it takes...to turn this adventure around.
I will do whatever it takes...to stand on solid ground.
I will do whatever it takes...to have a solid foundation.
I will do whatever it takes...to bring You to all the nations.

I have not...done whatever it takes to turn this around.
I have not...stood on Your solid ground.
I have not...built a shack on a rock, but rather a castle in the sand.
I have not...been able to hold my head high and stand.

I fall at Your feet, knowing my weakness. I sought out my own plans, my own treasure, my own fate. I enveloped myself in darkness, only to be trapped and left alone. Why can I not just give everything up to You, and continue to grow in You? Why can I not seem to long for You, for more than what I had before?

My hands shake, clasped with fear, as she draws near. I've got a lot to say, if you will only let me. It seems so hard when she is around me, this nightmare arises. But here, right now, there's interest in her eyes; please here me out, hear this for the first time. I marvel at what her and I adore, what I give, she gives so much more.

I cannot compete with her love and goodness, perhaps I should step down and let it be.

Perhaps I should sit alone, no longer by her side.
Perhaps, I should break down, accept my defeat, and humbly come, to be at the Lord's side.
Perhaps then, I can come again towards her, towards her goodness and courage, to meet with her for what seems like the very first time.
Perhaps then, I will understand why things have to be, the way they were meant to be.
Perhaps now, my days will be full of life, I will understand I no longer have control, I do nothing on my own time, but patiently await the answers.
Perhaps this adventure, this terrible dream, will become a thing of the past.
Perhaps, all will be a dream, a dream that is meant to last.
Perhaps, this nightmare, of me leaving her side, will be a dream, to be accepted.
Perhaps, this adventure is not my own to decide, but one to be decided for me, if only I so believe...

Surely we can change

2007-12-18T15:26:00.000-08:00

When I hear a song, I don't just hear the words, I don't just sing the lyrics, I don't just hear the music being played. I feel connected to it, as if it was somehow dwelling in me and just now coming out. I take the words and think of my life, do they correlate? Is this me? Is this something I am longing for? Or is there something bigger that I am missing?

I came to realize that there has been much that I have missed, there is much for me to see, and likewise, much for me to miss out on. For so long I held on to these lyrics that made me feel alone, that kept me at a distance from God, that made me trip and land face first in the horrors of the world. I figured out what to do about all this hurt, to be lifted and see the glory of it all ... change the song.

This new song brought forth new comings, it was elegant, it was passionate, it was rich and noble, but nothing ostentatious. It was a song I had gotten to know so well, but I changed the song and had so easily forgotten it. I had forgotten it so much that it seemed altogether too foreign, yet so melodic that I needed it, but couldn't quite obtain it. I knew that the song was always waiting for me to listen it again, to not just hear the words, but understand, acknowledge, and feel connected to it.

I began to pursue this quite vigorously. I could not, however, get to know this by myself. I was too lost to even try and fathom the love that was waiting for me, I needed someone, some thing, to bridge that final rift I was longing to cross. If it had not been for the sacrifice, if my best friend had not been so eager to lay his life don't for me, I would have again, changed the song.

As I continue to listen to the song, I begin to understand it more and more. I desire to fully understand, to live out the words of the song always, but I seem to fall short and wrestle with ideas tangled up inside. I fear I will never fully understand this finely tuned song, but likewise, I never intend to.

Bend and Not Break

2007-12-16T19:13:00.000-08:00

I can bend and not break
Or I can break and take it with a smile
And I am so resilient
I recover quickly
I'll convince you soon that I am fine ... Lyrics from Dashboard Confessional

I can bend and not break
I pursue many things that maybe I shouldn't be chasing.
I am a prisoner on this world, longing to be seen, longing to be freed.
I am a Man of God, or maybe I am only a boy, thinking he is something bigger.
I am a sinner ... a child crying out ... a man falling at his knees

When I pursue the Lord, when I am spiritually high, I can bend and not break. I am not swayed by the ways of the world. I am not bruised by wicked tongues. I am a vessel of the Lord, clay being molded, being sculpted by only one perfect being.

Or I can break and take it with a smile
I am only human.
I make mistakes.
I don't break down.

I hide my feelings. I disregard my own self, the one person I have known best my whole life, I throw in the trash to lift up others ... hoping and praying to be lifted out of the mess I have fallen into -- Nothing. I do not ask because I care not of my self, but do what is best for others. I smile wide, I smile often, I smile to mask the broken person I have become. I smile, so that you will smile. I smile, hoping you will see through my clever disguise ... I can break and take it with a smile.

And I am so resilient
I do not remain bent.
I do not remain broken.

I focus not on the things that are bringing me down, rather, I bring myself back up, I look for things of the flesh to bring that satisfaction. I long to be accepted, to be open with others, to trust others; I bite off more than I can chew.

I recover quickly
I don't dwell on the hurt, not even the sorrow.
I choose to be unscathed, to show no fear, no anguish. I am, unscathed

I'll convince you soon that I am fine
You ask if anything is wrong.
I say no, yet you still persist.

You read me like a book, you know my faults, you know I am not right. I want so badly to open up, yet I find some excuse, some witty remark to do otherwise. I cannot tell you how bad I am hurting, only, I leave you guessing, asking questions, hoping you will soon read past the fine print. I want you to know that I feel so broken.

When I think of my relationship with Christ, I feel so alone. When I think of my relationship with my friends, I feel so small, I feel so lost, I feel so empty. Every now and then I feel like a somebody, only to be washed away like a grain of sand. But I do not tell you this, no way no how. I'll convince you soon ... I am just fine.

Your heart is an empty room

2007-10-24T10:49:00.000-07:00

I have been told that in all of our hearts, there is a void -- a void shaped like God, which only God can fill. Upon that void being filled, is it possible for that void to come back, to feel like hope is lost, that God cannot be grasped?

Now I myself, being of human nature, do not have this answer, nor would I desire to have this answer. Nor do I desire to have that feeling, that I cannot go out to God, because I know that He is calling me back home.

For me, there are many things holding me back, none of which compare to the greatness of God, yet there is always that pull, that sometimes irresistible strain in life ... temptation ... Temptation is such a weak word. Think about it, temptation is something that we fall into every day, whether it is good or bad depends on the situation. Temptation, in my life, in my situation, is death. God gave the ultimate sacrifice, yet we choose to disobey Him, in all that He has done for our lives -- this is how I repay Him? With these selfish wants?

...I want to be my own man.
...I want to go out and party.
...I want to not worry about God.
...I want to be with any girl I like.
...I want life to be easy...

All of these wants, all of these temptations, all of this death? ... temporary. Even so, the feeling of this death seems to draw us closer to it daily.

To say that these are merely temptations is to say that God is only good, not great, not amazing, just good. To say that is to completely underestimate and disrespect our Lord and Savior, as well as saying these wants are just temptations is to lie to myself. These temptations are works of art that the Devil made to attract my eye, to keep me from worshiping and glorifying the Lord. I cannot simply believe in the Lord, I cannot just want to know the Lord, I MUST walk the way of the Lord (1 John 2:6).

1 Corinthians 15:34 says, "Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God -- I say this to your shame." I don't know about others, but I do not want to be put in shame for being ignorant of God.

I have been ignorant of God, but why? I have been looking for that big miracle in life, that one that proves to me that God exists, that one that allows me to now believe in Him, but why? Why look for the biggest things in life when there are a myriad of smaller reasons God exists and loves me as I am?

If it were to be that way, that God would show us the biggest miracles in life, life itself would be all too easy. I, more often than not, have looked for the easy way out of situations, no matter what it may be. It always is easier to do half the work and get all the credit, than to work with all your heart, as working for the Lord (Colossians 3:23), and to, ultimately, get less credit.

I have come to discover that although it may take much more work, much more commitment, much more devotion, and much more longing, ultimately...

Why not believe in God?
Why not sacrifice the temporary, merely meaningless things of the world, for eternal life in heaven?
Why didn't I choose this life earlier?

1 Corinthians 9:24
Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

I choose to try and live my life, as a man of God, knowing full well that the path may not be as easy as taking the low road, but it will be much more worthwhile.